I left all of this behind for numerous, good, solid reasons. Reasons that I felt so called in that made it feel like the best decision for myself. For about a year I have played with the idea of stepping away from this creative outlet (sharing on the blog here & on Instagram). That feeling never went away & felt heavier as time went on. So I did something about it! Now, about three months later, I am feeling so renewed, challenged & honestly just confused on what to do moving forward. Giving up this space I think was a mistake. Switching gears, however, is what I should have done from the start while taking a breather from the burn out.

I chat about this sort of thing personally on my Instagram, but in case you are a reader (& for my own sake) I needed to have a “hard copy”. This is the explanation no one asked for, no one probably needs, but I need to lay out for my own mind. The explanation of why I left & why I am coming back, swinging.

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In this blog post you will happily find…

+ My intention with closing the blog & my creative outlet

+ Full transparency on why I am changing my mind

+ The expectation I am setting for myself in this space

My intention with closing the blog & my creative outlet.

I had about three main reasons for stepping away from sharing our life on social media & here on the blog : time, pressure & feeling lost. Starting this blog & sharing on Instagram was never about making it “big” or making money, although make some dollars here & there was nice. It was always about having something creative & sharing our story because that is what I loved. It was about building community & finding friends which I will forever be thankful for that opportunity. It was easy to share things when we had house projects going consistently but once those were put on pause, I felt an immense amount of pressure to keep posting just to post. At that point it felt like it was a decision between pursing this blog to be an income driven career or set it down because there was too much time & too much pressure. Ultimately my decision to put it down came when the pressures of consumerism & worldliness felt too heavy.

Don’t get me wrong, I follow so many creators that do this for a living that don’t create this worldly, “look at me” feeling. I am just not sure how they do it! It’s not like anyone told me they felt that way about me, if anything it was the opposite, but there is a funny thing called Imposter Syndrome & I struggle with it — hard. I just couldn’t see myself as being sunshine & rainbows while also pursing this on a monetary level. I just want to be real! I put Instagram & social media down for about a month, off my phone, didn’t look at it. It was refreshing & I highly recommend. But my mistake in thinking I couldn’t handle it anymore was a miscommunication when all I need was a break. A step back, a mind flush & then a new introduction with a fresh heart & fresh eyes. I have always said that there is so much good with Social Media, I, however, got temporarily sucked into the bad of consumerism, comparison & compromise. The feeling that I was compromising my own personal goals of being authentic with sharing what I felt like I had to share to “be successful” was not worth pursing anymore.

All at the same time that this was battling within my mind, we were also navigating a new normal. I have shared now for several years about our infertility & our losses. I gained relationships on social media through this struggle, I have been encouraged by strangers that what I shared through it was inspirational & helpful, I felt like it was putting so much purpose in our pain & I truly felt so, so fulfilled. Over all, that has been the BIGGEST blessing with this space. Well… we were so blessed to find ourselves expecting again & this time we are taking our baby home. in our arms. I no longer knew how to share our story. Mentally I was still in the depths of infertility & grief, but sharing those thoughts felt like I was betraying the healthy baby growing inside me. I also felt like I would be yanking the rug out from under all those friends & followers that found relatability & relief in my page. To find another woman that shares openly about the struggles of infertility & loss is just that. Refreshing. They help put words together that you didn’t know how to that validate everything you wake up feeling every single day. All of a sudden, though, I didn’t have to struggle in that way anymore. Don’t get me wrong — pregnancy, pregnancy after infertility & pregnancy after loss have their own struggles just like literally everything in life — but it was no longer the struggle I had built a community on & I just did not know how to navigate this new chapter of our story. I mean I had SO much happening mentally & emotionally for myself that I really did not have the capacity to be much of anything for anyone for a little while. That felt really selfish, but if my loved one felt that way I would 1000% understand. I just could’t seem to offer myself that same grace. No one asked me to put all of this on my shoulders, by the way. This was all pressures that I created for myself & I put all the blame on this space & my Instagram.

Do I wish I just persevered & shared it all while I was going through all this? nope. I wouldn’t have done it correctly. I wound’t have done it with grace, the right amount of sensitivity & compassion, with the right words or in a way that felt fulfilling & God honoring. Do I wish I was a little more hesitant on the permanency of “closing” this creative outlet? Absolutely. However, anyone that knows me, knows I am dramatic & flip floppy & just over all all over the place so I am truly just staying “on brand”. Again, no one asked for that explanation, but the heart & work I have put into these spaces deserved this in writing.

Full transparency on why I am changing my mind.

Because I just love it. No, that’s not the only reason but it is a big one. My heart answer is this… Sharing & writing here has always been something to get me away, get me creative & keep me hopeful. This space holds stories of our family, our memories, our talents & our homes. All things that I have prayed for my future family to find & be inspired by. Proud of. Nothing has given me that fulfilling or purpose driven feeling quite like writing these blog posts & sharing on my Instagram. That is the easy answer. You want the rest of the answers? Here are two — providing financially & being success. The “because I love it” feels like such a sweet, sincere answer, the other two feel more selfish. However, I promised myself full authenticity & I won’t lie, they are heavy on the “reasons why” board.

We are all in a current state of a shifting economy. My husband & I personally are in a current stage of “we live in a giant house project & are bringing a baby home in a month”. It’s not really the most practical for me to go find a part time job to help with some of the financial burden because, well, I would be paying for childcare. It would be flush, if that. Also, we worked really, really hard for us to bring our babies home & now that that dream is finally coming into fruition, I just am not settled in the idea of leaving our baby at home for me to go do a job that isn’t my calling or fulfilling. This is where it is different for everyone. There are moms that are made to work in & out of the home. There are moms that are made to work in the home. There are moms that are made to work in the home but also for different reasons have to work outside of it. There is where I am kind of falling in. However, I am completely blown away but the working mom. Those career women who “get-her-done”. Like holy cow, moms in general are just incredible. I pray I can be that for my children no matter what my employment status is. At this time in our life, though, assisting in the financial end is just something I really, really want to do.

I want to have a gym membership, send our kids to gymnastics & swim lessons, take them to museums, get those cute trendy clothes sometimes, teach them to gift for others, there’s so much. I also have these talents & desires that I know are worth something & to show my children all that I can do would just be a huge blessing. I just cannot think of a better way to pursue my calling as a mother & as a creative then to keep sharing on here. I just need to incorporate a bit more prayer that I am doing it in a way that is helpful & glorifying to God. Whether it is proving to my children or just proving to myself that I can accomplish these goals & that I can do this, well that alone is reason enough to not give up. I have built this over the last four years & although I need it to shift a little, it just feels like I am doing a disservice to the talents & gifts God gave me by not pursing a “career” using them.

The expectation I am setting for myself in this space.

We are finally in our forever home that has a million projects to document, why did I think now was a good time to stop sharing it all?! The pressure of getting it all done has surpassed me & starting to share more of the real life living in a project I think is more relatable than I believed it would be. All the things I was worried about & thought were reasons to stop this creative outlet are turning into reasons why this is the best time to pursue this harder. The mental shift from infertility & loss to motherhood is a heavy one & one that I pray all my sisters in infertility & loss get too experience. They will need community through it though. Just like what I prayed to do with infertility, I can do that for those in this stage as well. Just because I am not buying brand new furniture to “link” & I am thrifting everything doesn’t mean thats not helpful for others to get inspiration & ideas for decorating. Just because we cannot crank out these projects because of time & money doesn’t mean other’s are not in the same boat as us. I am realizing that everything we are dealing with, a million others are too & they are all stories worth sharing. That is the expectation I am setting for myself moving forward.

To share with full transparency, share our home & our family, share our daily lives & many thoughts. To be creative & challenge myself. To be organized & to grow community. To be successful & accomplish by goals as a blogger because I truly, truly love being in that role. As cliche as it sounds & as silly as it feels writing it, I am a blogger & I am just over letting the imposter syndrome thoughts & feelings take over what it means to pursue that kind of career.

I am so looking forward to seeing how hard I push myself & the creativity that will be poured into this space, my social media & our home because of it. This was so much honesty & heart to share these somewhat selfish thoughts with you all, I think I will start this whole thing like next week….. lol But boy does it feel so good to just “do me” again.

xx Abigail

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