Time & time again, I read quotes or articles saying “don’t let the infertility define you”. I mean if you did, then you solely become the broken, lonely heart that years inside you. However, my question is how can you refrain from letting the number one thing that burdens your mind day in & day out not define you? I found it near impossible to find comfort in this quote because it deemed an impossible task. Therefore, I decided to do just the opposite. I have learned, that through Christ, it can & has defined me. The difference is - I am learning how it is defining me as a woman, not my worth.

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Those really hard nights, the ones where you are so incredibly tired but your mind keeps rattling to remind you of how stressed you are… Yeah, those. Those nights usually consist of scrolling through social media searching tags like

#InfertilityJourney or #HopeintheWaiting or even better yet…#HowToGetOverYourMessedUpHormonesSoYouCan“Relax”BecauseThatIsWhatBeckyFromTheGroceryStoreSaidHerCousinsNeighborsBossesWifeDid

You refrain from calling or texting the same members of your support system in fear that you are burdening them or being too much. Leaving you with the overwhelming but resourceful elements of the internet. You are left grasping for any ounce of comfort or hope there might be left. After reading Bible verse after verse & song lyric after song lyric, you read the quotes that say “you are not your infertility” & “don’t let infertility define you.

Sorry, too late. I have been consumed, drowned, & completely pressured by this infertility.

Before You Read On

Before truly diving into this, I want to start by saying that this is still the hardest walk of my life. Some days I stray from writing what’s on my heart in fear that people will read this & think - She’s fine! She is as happy as can be & totally content with not being a mother - well that’s not true. Do I need people to know I am happy or unhappy? Absolutely not. However, I write to heal myself, it has become a gift from God that I always needed. His way of letting me understand what is rattling inside my brain all the time.

I do not write these types of stories for a communal pity party or because I think everyone needs to know how I am doing. Rather, this blog has become a journal, one that I am so eager to show my future family. I cannot wait for my future babes to see what I have done. To have this & know 100% where their mother’s heart was at during this journey & how truly needed & wanted they were. I am still learning to navigate through writing positivity & writing the raw truth. More than anything, I want this to be a resource for encouragement, honesty & evidence that God’s goodness is above all & can be seen in everyday life, struggles & blessings. With that said, here we go.

Knowing Your Struggle is Understanding It

I wish I could say I have it figured out now or that I have come to complete terms with this struggle. Sadly, I don’t think that can ever happen. What I can say, though, is that I have come very far in learning how I can bring light to God’s kingdom through it. Choosing to settle in the fact that I do indeed struggle with infertility, along with the other 1 in 8 couples out there, was freeing. It allowed me to brush off more of the uncertainty & lack of education.

I was too afraid of this new diagnosis that I allowed it to prevent me from moving forward. Learning more about my PCOS & hypothyroidism, researching what attacks my hormones, understanding the commonality of all this was healing in its own way.

Letting the fear keep you from moving forward will always keep you in the exact place you are still in. A place of lonely brokenness. Never getting passed the road block to the finish line.

Stay Educated to Encourage Healing

Now I am not saying that by “Pinteresting” - Why do I have PCOS - will break the doors down of infertility & take all your pain away. However, I am saying that knowledge is power & being educated on what is going on in your own health can open opportunities for further healing. It tells you what to pray for & what to ask for prayer about. It helps you know your story, so that other women who are learning they may be in the same boat puts you in a position to support them.

The best feeling since sharing all this has most definitely been the part about having other women reach out, asking for help, prayers & support because they know where my heart is at. They know that as their heart is breaking, it doesn’t have to break alone. The comfort & confidence in sharing what I know & what helps me would not be there if I didn’t put in the time & research.

Knowing that infertility looks different for everyone, there is one common denominator & that is the yearning for motherhood. Infertility makes you only see the consuming amount of friends, family & neighbors having babies while you are there all alone. Sure, Susan’s infertility may be caused by something different then mine, but ultimately we are in this together. That is the important thing.

Becoming a Better Mother From the Motivation to Be One

Letting yourself be defined by your infertility sets it top priority as to what makes you, you. With that motivation, you will be more encouraged to work towards healing but mostly, to use it for so much good. Since working harder to seriously take care of myself, almost every aspect of my life has become better.

It started with a little self care. I started taking care of myself more from my beauty products to my “me” time. Waking up & washing my face made me want to conquer the whole day. Ending it with a stop to the gym gave me more energy to be more intentional about my devotional moments with God or personal time with Luke. These are characteristics & traits that shape a great mother. One who doesn’t just preach good habits but demonstrates them. I may not be a mother now or soon, but I sure am in training for when it happens.

I found that being motivated in conquering my PCOS bled into every aspect of my day. It gave me confidence & lit a fire within me. I can easily say I have never worked this hard. It feels so good to say that I am working so hard to not be consumed by infertility. The thing is, I didn’t feel this way until I let it define me.

Turn Waiting into Training

Infertility affects 1 in 8 couples. Imagine all those 1’s coming together to form community. Imagine all those 1’s teaching & educating the effects & pains of this diagnosis to encourage compassion & better ways to love one another. Imagine all those 1’s in “training” & becoming brave mothers who demonstrate strength to their babes. It means coming to terms with the story that is being written for you, so that you can bravely walk through it. Showing your grace, strength & trust. Know that with a story of brokenness, consumed my loneliness, you have the potential to change the world. We don’t have to spend this time of pure waiting dwelling in brokenness when we can start preparing & training now.