Little by little I seem to be taking myself more seriously. It seems like the women in the movies or the public speakers all do a million things. Not only do they do a million things, but they are good at all of them! However, they will tell you “I am only human, I mess up, my sink is full of dishes, I skipped the gym last week…” Well I have skipped the gym for a decade. I have no dishes that are usable & I, myself, am a mess of a human. How is it that people are out there accomplishing stuff & all I can do is dream about it? Well, like I said, little by little I am picking myself up & for the first time in EVER I can see how this can happen for me.

I claimed 2019 to be my year. Heck, you can read multiple blog posts about it. Now the question is, did I make this happen? This year began with me back at the desk job I left before. Working for a great company & with great people, but doing something that brought me zero passion. That was okay though. I wanted to fix that by changing my attitude. I wanted to change my attitude because I went to that job for one purpose. This year began with an ambition to lose weight & gain confidence. I wanted so badly to like myself & to maybe solve one problem so I couldn’t blame all the other ones on it. This year began with so my hope & optimism. It was going to be the year I started on one end & made it to the finish line.

Year of Dreadful Job by Day, Dream Job at Night

Dreadful is a bit dramatic. The job I had was for a great company. I worked with people who truly loved me & wanted the best for me. All their goodness, however, could not disguise the fact that my day to day tasks fulfilled absolutely nothing for me. The funny thing is, I already knew that. This is the job I worked at for a couple years & quit to pursue something more creative. I went back. This time it was strictly for the health insurance. We needed that insurance so that we could go to the fertility clinic. This was going to be the year. It was going to be our year to put all that hard work to rest. To enjoy the fruits of our labor, literally. We were so hopeful visiting the fertility specialist, knowing that we could do further testing & more treatments. We were told we had a chance of getting pregnant once in every 8-12 years naturally, but with treatment we were a slam dunk case. That was until months went by & each failed round went right on with it. It took our dollars with it too. This was the year I worked a job I had zero passion for just so that maybe I could achieve my ultimate dream job.

In this year, I pursue writing hard. Not as hard as I would have liked, but man oh man did I find so much healing in it. All the ups & downs of working so hard for something you want so bad & always falling short, left me with so many thoughts & so many words to say. Words that were probably too much for my loved ones to hear but they kept an open ear anyways. Words & emotions that only those in my same footsteps would understand & that type of community just was not surrounding me. Therefore I turned to writing & opening up to a community online that grew & grew. I never imagined that this writing thing would help me so much with not only getting my thoughts out, but bringing those in need closer & closer to me. Women I have known for years fighting my same battle have opened up to me. Women who have loved ones struggling & have needed guidance on how to help however they best can. My year starting with working a job I despised, but pursuing this dream job by night gave me the motivation & push to keep searching for myself & what purpose I am meant to pursue. The Lord was shutting doors I pushed so hard to open, only so that he could open a few very important windows in the mean time. He let the sun shine in & continues to do so until He allows that door to be opened for good.

Year of Finding Myself & Fulfilling Routines

Starting this year doing fertility treatments, I had to leave little room for blame. I have blamed myself for so long that motherhood isn’t my role because of things I have done. There was no way I could let failed treatments be my fault too. I wrote it out. A schedule including a list of everything I wanted to be better at this year. Things that would make me a stronger, more accomplished women. This list included washing my face, keeping my house clean, establishing my online presence - since blogging is my passion, doing devotions & eating right. I started out real strong. It is easy to when you are motivated with the New Years. Then the days got shorter, my list got longer & sitting in front of the TV to relax just was not an option. I grew so burnt out & tired from working so hard to be a decent human. Sure, I felt accomplished, but I didn’t leave myself much time to actually enjoy that part of it.

So I stopped. Everything. No more taking care of myself or my home in any way. Treatments failed even though I did everything I could so what was the point. I never did my hair or make up. I was such a sad sad person. Anxiety attacks were happening more frequently, depressing sank in deep. I pursued motherhood so hard & not being granted that gift sucked the life right out of me. I needed a change so badly. There was no way I would be able to get back into my routine without changing my motivation, my purpose, my attitude, my reasons for getting out of bed each morning. I told myself that this was going to be my year, I think my biggest mistake was that for me, making it my year, meant getting pregnant. Nothing else. Not growing in my faith, not establishing the right diet & exercise plan for me, not being a better friend or wife. It was strictly how do I become a mom, how do I make Luke the dad he wants to be, how do I fulfill this step that I am told I need to be on that so many others are just skipping right along to? My focus was so construed. The Lord was for sure working his way back into my heart & it took big big things for me to change my mucky mindset.

Year of Emotions & Changes

This year began with one goal in mind & once that goal didn’t seem reachable, the whole year was shot. At least in my eyes it was. Then, all of a sudden, the Lord brought big changes to our plates that made this year one we will never forget. Moving to Florida (you can read more about that here) was placed so seamlessly in our laps that there is no other way to explain it then God was at work. I have been told over & over again that we just seem happy. We are. For the first time the pressures are lifted & new goals seem higher on the totem pole. Goals that ultimately need to be accomplished so that our ultimate goal can be reached. We were just being lazy before or were not in the right circumstances. Times I fought & cried, yelling “why not now?” I know why now. Obviously, the bigger picture is still unknown, but this year of emotional changes is coming to an end & it’s make a whole lot of sense.

A crazy rollercoaster of a year to say the least, & how am I ending it? Exactly like how I wanted it to start. I wash my face twice a day. I have grown tremendously in my creative lifestyle. I have stuck to (for the most part) a diet & exercise plan that works for me. I still have plenty of room to grow in many many areas, but to have some of the items crossed off the list feels ah-mazing. This year I fell so low. However with the help of the Lord & so so so many loved ones & so many once in a lifetime opportunities, I am flying so high. However we reach these end goals, I couldn’t be more thankful for the strength we’ve been able to obtain & the adventures we have been able to have together. This year went NOTHING like we planned & I am deciding to be okay about it.

The best part about ending this year the way I am is that it is a kick butt way to start the next.