Our Miscarriage Story
With every story written & conversation had concerning our infertility journey, I honestly didn’t think I would type those words. “Our Miscarriage Story”. Now whether that is because I never though we would be the 1 in 4 or just the thought of never being able to become pregnant, that I am not sure. Our story has grown to mounds that are some what uncharted territory. I grew comfortable sharing about infertility, but now this is a stage on a bit of shaky ground. Fear in saying the wrong thing. Fear in not demonstrating the heartbreak honestly. Fear in not honoring our angel baby the correct way. That is the thing, though. I write. I share. If I did not do so in accordance with this life event, well that would not honor our child properly.
A little back history for those who are unfamiliar with our journey, we have been trying to grow our family since we got married. Knowing I had PCOS & being told that conception could be difficult, we decided to start trying right away. By this I mean we didn’t try to prevent anything. In my opinion, not not trying to get pregnant means being hopeful you get pregnant which means you are trying. We got married July, 25, 2015. This summer will mark our 5 years. This has made our anniversary both a joyous celebration, but also a day to remember all we have endured in this time together.
March of 2016 we started taking a prescribed medicine to help our situation. After several rounds - reaching the maximum they recommend - we only fell short handed. We decided to take a bit of time off from medical treatment outside of regular prescribed medications that not only tore my body up, but gave us false hope that it would help us. After a bit more time & feeling more prepared physically & financially, we pursued further testing. After tens of different doctors & even more blood draws, we were moved to a fertility specialist. This brought even more tests, very invasive. Weekly trips 45 minutes to the office to be poked & prodded & told it didn’t work. It was in this time we decided we needed a change.
After much prayer, we felt guided to sell our home & move to Florida. Take a break from the doctors offices & medical bills. Still to this day working out prorated funds from failed treatments, the thought of getting another medical bill in the mail or another call to the insurance just turned me off. Instead we wanted to just get back “us” again.
In this “us” time, I was able to switch a few habits. I started learning even more bout PCOS. I got rid of most of the toxins in our home, I switched to a PCOS friend diet & switched up my expertise routine. I started to heal in many ways. This brought me reassurance that I can take care of my body & brought us hope that the family the Lord has for us will one day fill our home. We started this journey praying hard about opening doors for adoption, we weren’t fully prepared to be brought back to the ideas of pregnancy.
After doing a really good job maintaining my PCOS, I fell a bit short for a month. I lost motivation & had a hard time being as consistent. This broke my heart thinking I was back to taking steps behind rather than forward. This was around January & February. I have this thing about a November baby. I always loved the idea of having a big bump in the fall with the cozy outfits & cooler weather, I loved having my little one for the holiday’s, there isn’t a guarantee snow to occur - even though in Chicago it probably would - & it would mean a November birthday. Not an October like both Luke & I. I know they are silly things, but its just something I always liked the idea of. Then Lukes Grandma brought to our attention that there is no November birthday on that side of the family. & it is a big side. Something inside me just always said, that could be our special one some day.
Well.. it almost was. It could have been. Middle of March we had a few not so normal things occur that really pushed me to want to test. Keep in mind, this was all new to me. I have always had issues with PCOS that makes it incredibly difficult to know or try for pregnancy. Symptoms that all feel the same. But this was different. My stomach, my head, my heart just knew. So we tested. It was negative.
I was so upset. I truly felt a mother’s intuition & just knew my baby was there.
The next couple of days I just felt so uneasy about the test. It was heavy on my heart that there was something going on, so while Luke was at work, I ran to the store & bought another. Couple.
As soon as I got home there it was. My first ever positive. I took another digital to confirm & there lied the biggest “yes” I had ever seen. It was unreal. Like really, I carried it with me everywhere because it felt truly unreal. How could this happen? Now? What? I couldn’t believe it. I was the happiest I had ever been. So much thankfulness, love, & gratitude filled me. All at the same time I felt undeserving. What about all the other beautiful families hurting. What did I do to be given this incredible blessing? I never thought I would feel that way. I always though, I have worked so hard & we are so loving, of course we deserve to be parents. In such a beautiful moment, I let the devil weigh heavy on me. I did not, however, let him take away the thankfulness I had to God. I still cannot believe that word on the test.
In the coming hours, I mean hours because that is the only amount of time we got to feel the rejoicing.. I felt a mix of emotions. Ordering all the cute stuff (well only like two or three things), planning ways to share the good news, just being so grateful as now a family of three. I also felt nervous, I didn’t want these feelings to be gone. I had some symptoms that were very much pregnancy symptoms. I had thoughts of what labor would be like. In such a short time, my heart was filled with all the happy, all the looking forward to’s, & all the shaky nerves that I would expect any soon-to-be mama would have. Finally. I FINALLY got to experience this. It was truly amazing.
One of our purchases, we canceled before it was shipped but they shipped it anyways. We decided to create three little gifts from them & send them to a few first time mamas who were having showers canceled or no visitors allowed due to Covid. Just another way we could honor this life.
A day or two later I started spotting & took a test to find it negative. How could it be so clearly a “yes” & go right to a “no”. What kind of game is this. It was in this time that I knew our happy ending had already been over. We called the doctor right away as low hormone levels are very common with PCOS, but no one would see us for a while. We were directed to the ER. It was full blown Covid-19 pandemic happening all around us. It was week 1 or 2 of nationwide quarantine & entering a ER was not on my want list. Unless physically I felt the need to. We prayed about it, I called to God to know what to do. We felt like at this point, it was what it was & self monitoring is all we could do until a doctor was available. Being a new patient everywhere - again, moved states, decided to not do treatments for a while, all made us ill prepared for a potential pregnancy.
It took a couple weeks to fully realize what happened. That our time was so so so short. That maybe it never even happened in the first place. How could it be if we didn’t even get a medical confirmation? As time went on, it was clear that we miscarried & now it was just waiting to see a doctor. Our visit finally came & a 6 week pregnancy ending in miscarriage was confirmed & the closure that it brought was incredible. I had no idea the mounds of different emotions & feelings something like this would bring me. So many things that have broadened my perspectives on struggle. So many feelings that are now added to our Infertility story.
Bringing awareness to all the feelings & emotions that an early pregnancy brought me is so important. The fear, the unworthiness, the disbelief were felt all too much & to think that other women could experience that absolutely breaks my heart.
As time goes, I will continue to share our story. To say Thank You to my community is just not enough. We have been poured onto with love, prayers & acceptance. I am so incredibly thankful. My family is so incredibly thankful.
